Could Less Control Create More Capable Children?
I watch and listen to the All In podcast religiously and really enjoyed Naval Ravikant’s recent participation. One key moment was when he discussed his unique views on dealing with his children.
He permits his children to enjoy dessert right before bedtime. His eldest spends nearly an entire waking day on digital devices. And coercion is absent from his parenting toolkit — his children make their own choices.
This philosophy stems from David Deutsch — whom Naval regards as “the most brilliant living intellect.” Beyond his contributions to quantum physics, Deutsch developed the “Taking Children Seriously” framework.
The fundamental premise? Interact with children as you would with fellow adults… This perspective contends that adult-child relationships typically rely on implicit power dynamics (statements like “Time for bed now!” or “That’s enough screen time!”)
The philosophy argues that we only control children through implicit threats of physical force. These are forms of intimidation we’d never use with adults. They may get children to do what you want — but don’t teach them why.
I was shocked to learn that he allows his kids to be on iPads for nine hours a day and that they can eat ice cream at 9:30 PM. Chamath and David F. were equally taken aback by this.
Clearly, there are consequences to allowing your children to make the majority (if not all) of their decisions. His point, I think, was that while the children have full agency over these aspects of their lives, what it ultimately achieves is that they stop making more destructive choices like eating unhealthy foods earlier. Eventually, they find their way and are able to self regulate.
Naval has some red lines — one in particular is about doing three hours of study in math and science each day (his kids are home schooled). I can totally agree with this, as I think it’s difficult for anyone to produce much quality work outside of three hours a day.
The key point Naval made that really resonated with me was agency — the agency children build by having sovereignty over their day at a young age. He mentioned that from the age of five, his father wasn’t around, and his mother had other things going on, so he was left to his own devices. Reading between the lines, I suspect this sovereignty helped him navigate his life better than others in a way that only true agency in your decisions can demonstrate.
For example, as I near 40, I look back at my path, and one could argue that I’ve been closely following the rails society has put down, such as school, university, career, and children. It got me wondering whether I truly had agency over my decisions or not.
In particular, coming from a middle-class family, I felt that status and wealth creation were of higher priority than perhaps health and humility — was this my take away from growing up in the MTV generation? Perhaps.
Only since having children have I been able to step out of this daily grind, leaving my corporate job and finding myself drawn to exponential technologies like blockchain and AI, while improving my health through exercise classes and a better diet.
My intentions on a daily basis are not about waking up, dropping the kids off, and joining the commuters to a job. I’m able to have full agency in making my own way to the peripheries of technologies, challenges, and people I’m drawn to. It’s incredibly fulfilling, and although it doesn’t pay that well, it’s really helped me reflect on what true agency is and to what extent I want this for my children.
How do we ensure our children don’t just jump on predetermined rails in their lives and don’t wait until they’re halfway through before finding the disciplines and people who enable them in a meaningful way? Forcing a way of life onto your children when they are young is clearly necessary; you need to keep them safe. However, at some point, I can totally resonate with giving them much more freedom to make decisions and fail faster, so they can sooner discover their real desires and wants that are productive rather than destructive.
